So Near, Yet So Far Away

Lord, I feel so near, yet so far away from you. I think it’s because I’m scared to submit to you because I’m afraid of intimacy with you. Submitting to you means completely opening myself up to you and that scares me. Submitting to you means I give you the power to possibly hurt me. And although my mind knows better, my heart still has reservations. I allow you to get close to me but not too close. Not so close that you could hurt me. I allow you to get just close enough so that I can feel your presence but not close enough to be wrapped in your loving embrace. And that’s an issue. Because my heart longs to be captured by the love of Your Son Jesus. My soul aches to be touched by Your Holy Spirit. And my mind needs to be molded and directed by you, oh Lord. I need you so terribly. I can’t find peace without you surrounding me. But with my guards up, I keep you arm length’s away. You’re so near yet so far away.

The peace I constantly seek but can’t seem to find. So near yet so far away.

The elusive joy that slips out of the grasp of my finger tips just as I desperately try to cling to it. So near yet so far away.

The hope that I can see clearly but can never seem to touch. So near yet so far away.

But Father! I’m so tired of keeping a safe distance from you. I tired of letting you in, but not letting you in fully. I want more of you. I need more of you and I think it’s finally time to let these Jericho walls around my heart come tumbling down. When I first was getting to know you this was okay. This was comfortable. I was just encountering you for myself and feeling you out. I was discovering if you were who so many others have said you are. I was seeing for myself that you were trustworthy, loving, dependable, and giving. But now I want more. I want a deeper level of intimacy with You. And arm length intimacy is just not enough. I don’t know how to tear these walls down, but if I tell You that I’m ready, will You step in and do the demolition for me? Will you penetrate into the depths of my being? Will you knock down every single doubt, fear and reservation that keeps us from forming a closer, more intimate relationship? Will you show me that you love me and break through all the things that I’ve been allowing to hold me back from You?

Just knowing You is not enough anymore. Just being in Your presence at church or when I find the time to pray is not enough anymore. I want to be enamored by You. I want You to be so close to me that I can’t escape You no matter where I go. I want Our connection to be so strong that I’ll never build up another wall to separate us again. My heart, mind and soul is hungry for you. And that hunger for you outweighs any fear of intimacy with you. I’m tired of being so near yet so far away. I’m ready to go deeper. Ready to grow closer. Ready to give you my all. Lord, I’m ready to submit to you.

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